Self-Destructive Behavior

Empty Self
Future Time

“You were old to start a family,” said MV.

“Yeah, you could say that. At thirty-seven I was old, but not too
old,” I replied. “It was good, though; it was all good, even the bad.”

“And the bad?” MV responded.

“There were communication problems,” I said, “always communication
problems, but then, with me, those problems were unavoidable anyway.”

“The best part was family?”

“Yes, that was the best,” I replied. “Going through childbirth with
your wife was a once in a lifetime experience. It was the start of a
whole new life for me; and, as for the baby, they didn’t come any
cuter than my daughter. Three years later, our son arrived– a wish
come true, also. My wife wanted more children, and so did I,
especially for the kids sake, but in terms of economics, it
didn’t make sense.”

“Everything changed after the kids were born, right?” MV responded.

“Well, not exactly. Change is never easy. Old habits die hard,” I
replied. “I still needed the mental stimulation of a classroom, so I
took a creative writing course thinking that it would help my
communication skills. It was fun, but I don’t think it helped much.

“But you kept trying?”

“Yes, at least for a while,” I said. “One of my professors, the one
who seemed most receptive to my ideas, offered a religion class that
compared and contrasted issues in science and religion. I jumped at
the chance to take it.”

“And you were disappointed?”

“Not at all,” I replied. “I began the class with a new perspective. My
daughter was two years old and my son was on his way to being born. In
the final paper, I chose to focus on the negative aspects of my
metaphysic, or that aspect which elicited, in some people at least,
self-destructive behavior, or even suicidal behavior. I hoped my
children would never need that kind of council, but one never knows.”

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About bwinwnbwi

About me: Marvin Gaye’s song, "What’s Going On" was playing on the jukebox when I went up to the counter and bought another cup of coffee. When I got back, the painting on the wall next to where I was sitting jumped out at me, the same way it had done many times before. On it was written a diatribe on creativity. It was the quote at the bottom, though, that brought me back to this seat time after time. The quote had to do with infinity; it went something like this: Think of yourself as being in that place where infinity comes together in a point; where the infinite past and the infinite future meet, where you are at right now. The quote was attributed to Hermann Hesse, but I didn’t remember reading it in any of the books that I had read by him, so I went out and bought Hesse’s last novel, Magister Ludi. I haven’t found the quote yet, but I haven't tired of looking for it either.
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