West Coast Bicycle Trip
Expressways were everywhere, so I had to pick and choose my way up the
coast. I lost my way the first night and ended up sleeping behind a pine tree
in a field that separated two Walnut Creek homes—estates. I almost expected
an upper class field to go along with the upper class neighborhood, but no luck
there. I’ve picked out a similar place for tonight’s camp. It will be dark, so the
chances of running into an “Excuse Me type encounter” should be minimal.
JFKU is a well-used Junior High School in the daytime and a
university at night. It is impossible to be impressed with the
building or grounds, but I’m not expecting much along those lines
anyway. Most of the students I have observed so far are law students,
and they come across as aggressive and competitive. I’m going to
attend a philosophy class in about an hour and hopefully I will get a
better feel for the students in my field of study. Tomorrow and
Wednesday I will be attending classes in consciousness and mysticism.
I hope to have enough experience after that, to make an informed
judgment about the program. The law students are all marching off to
take their exam now. The weather has been great.
Well, I’ve got time on my hands, so I guess it’s time to change the subject.
Carin, now there’s a subject; well, not really. I’ve handled that one pretty well,
but I am disturbed on one account. Did we waste our relationship on the
expectation of knowing we would be saying good-bye to each other? I could
definitely say no to that question during our relationship, but I’m not so sure now.
I did not want it to end. I especially did not want it to end the way it did, as a fun trip, a “thanks for the memories trip.” Did we actually have a love affair?
What did the relationship mean anyway–nothing? I’m sure that was not
entirely the case, but I am just as sure that my anxiety in this area
is well founded. For me, the value of love has not diminished. Love is
still the most important experience possible. But now I am troubled.
How much did I love her? How much could I love her?
Throughout our relationship I had to prepare psychologically for the
end. Accepting the temporary quality of our relationship was,
ironically, what kept us together for so long. Knowing she would be
leaving did not prevent me from loving her. But deep down, I hoped, of
her own free will, she would end up loving me enough to stay. She
frequently told me she loved me, and I believed her, but those words
did not mean the same thing coming from her as they did coming from
me. I wanted Carin to love me, really love me. In fact, I kept hoping
that she would stay with me right up to the very end.