JFKU Not An Easy Ride

West Coast Bicycle Trip
May 1980

Expressways were everywhere, so I had to pick and choose my way up the
coast. I lost my way the first night and ended up sleeping behind a pine tree
in a field that separated two Walnut Creek homes—estates. I almost expected
an upper class field to go along with the upper class neighborhood, but no luck
there. I’ve picked out a similar place for tonight’s camp. It will be dark, so the
chances of running into an “Excuse Me type encounter” should be minimal.

JFKU is a well-used Junior High School in the daytime and a
university at night. It is impossible to be impressed with the
building or grounds, but I’m not expecting much along those lines
anyway. Most of the students I have observed so far are law students,
and they come across as aggressive and competitive. I’m going to
attend a philosophy class in about an hour and hopefully I will get a
better feel for the students in my field of study. Tomorrow and
Wednesday I will be attending classes in consciousness and mysticism.
I hope to have enough experience after that, to make an informed
judgment about the program. The law students are all marching off to
take their exam now. The weather has been great.

Well, I’ve got time on my hands, so I guess it’s time to change the subject.
Carin, now there’s a subject; well, not really. I’ve handled that one pretty well,
but I am disturbed on one account. Did we waste our relationship on the
expectation of knowing we would be saying good-bye to each other? I could
definitely say no to that question during our relationship, but I’m not so sure now.
I did not want it to end. I especially did not want it to end the way it did, as a fun trip, a “thanks for the memories trip.” Did we actually have a love affair?
What did the relationship mean anyway–nothing? I’m sure that was not
entirely the case, but I am just as sure that my anxiety in this area
is well founded. For me, the value of love has not diminished. Love is
still the most important experience possible. But now I am troubled.
How much did I love her? How much could I love her?

Throughout our relationship I had to prepare psychologically for the
end. Accepting the temporary quality of our relationship was,
ironically, what kept us together for so long. Knowing she would be
leaving did not prevent me from loving her. But deep down, I hoped, of
her own free will, she would end up loving me enough to stay. She
frequently told me she loved me, and I believed her, but those words
did not mean the same thing coming from her as they did coming from
me. I wanted Carin to love me, really love me. In fact, I kept hoping
that she would stay with me right up to the very end.

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About bwinwnbwi

About me: Marvin Gaye’s song, "What’s Going On" was playing on the jukebox when I went up to the counter and bought another cup of coffee. When I got back, the painting on the wall next to where I was sitting jumped out at me, the same way it had done many times before. On it was written a diatribe on creativity. It was the quote at the bottom, though, that brought me back to this seat time after time. The quote had to do with infinity; it went something like this: Think of yourself as being in that place where infinity comes together in a point; where the infinite past and the infinite future meet, where you are at right now. The quote was attributed to Hermann Hesse, but I didn’t remember reading it in any of the books that I had read by him, so I went out and bought Hesse’s last novel, Magister Ludi. I haven’t found the quote yet, but I haven't tired of looking for it either.
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10 Responses to JFKU Not An Easy Ride

  1. One of the fascinating things about your blog, and one I do not expect answers to, is in these personal sections. We learn what the “then” you thought or felt about the events being described or the questions being asked, but we don’t know what the “just before now” you thinks. Did your view change, how does it seem/feel, as of your posting.

    • bwinwnbwi says:

      Funny, I get the same reaction when I read my post after posting it. It’s like reading another person’s blog who seems to resonate with me. Of course, the difference lies in the fact that I am that person in the distant future (not quite the same person though). Thanks for all the nice comments. I really appreciate the encouragement Lara, Katherine, Meo and my Hudson river friend.

  2. lara hentz says:

    I really enjoy this blog!

  3. Me too Lara, I think that is because it is real blog, by a real person who is who he is and that had become someone in my mind who is special.

  4. Mèo Lười Việt says:

    Love is to break your beloved free. Love is to trust your beloved absolutely. And you can trust in me absolutely. Sometimes I feel worthless, but I know people can trust me, though they may hate me. They hate me ’cause I try my best to cling to what I believe. Haha! It’s so easy to tramp upon my pride, ’cause I’m totally alone in some sense. But they don’t know that the more they insult me despicably the more I despise them. I despise them ’cause their base motives behind sweet words!!

    • bwinwnbwi says:

      I just came form– http://overachairfeet.wordpress.com/2011/10/27/discovering-the-size-of-your-spirit/#comment-77– and read a very insightful post. I’m sure it can help others also. Here’s a cut and paste from the post:

      “The ego is a swirl of illusions and separation, it keeps a petty little record of all of the times you have ever been hurt, humiliated or harmed. The ego brings all these things up when you get close to your inner source of enlightenment. It is sort of like an advanced burglar alarm gone haywire; the ego has forgotten that you live here.

      So there is a shell of pain and suffering that surrounds your inner light. This is why meditation can be so difficult at times, to get to our core we have to wade through the muck of emotions that we haven’t yet finished with. As we let these old emotions go, one by one, we get closer and closer to our own Source energy. If you are feeling sadness, stay with the sadness; don’t distract yourself from the feeling. Just dive into it. What you find is that the more you focus on the emotional state you are in right now, the faster it shifts. It pops like a bubble.”

      I believe the wise words above are (can be) extremely helpful to all who read them. Thanks for the comment Meo. Take care!

  5. lezeep says:

    I have recently been through a similar situation with a long time friend and on and off boyfriend. We’re still best friends but we’ve recently put an end to trying and failing at a relationship with each other no matter how much I wanted it to happen. It’s experiences like that that make you question yourself in ways you never would have thought to before, one could say it helps you learn more about yourself. Knowledge seems to have a funny sense of humor.

  6. eof737 says:

    I take it I’m your Hudson River friend? 😆
    I’ve followed your journey for a long while now and always seem to feel like I’m on the journey with you and need no clarifications … interesting.
    My name btw is Elizabeth 🙂

    • bwinwnbwi says:

      Yes, you are my Hudson River friend. I already knew that but it slipped my mind–something that happens to me occasionally. I have two Hudson River friends, however, the other one is quotidianhudsonriver. I didn’t remember his name (also a problem for me) so he became a my Hudson River friend in this post. He was the first to comment. When I biked the East Coast I fell in love with the Hudson River–it was my salvation after surviving East Coast traffic. I can say now that my Hudson River connection not only saved my life back in the day, but continues (with my blogging friends) to illuminate my path in my old age. Thanks to both of you for following my journey and occasionally giving some feedback on that journey. Take care.

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