Comic/Tragic Face

My new used bike for getting back and forth to work.

Keaau, May ‘73
The Bonding Mechanism

Events had made it impossible for me to continue my relationship with
C.S. I moved my tent down to where Eddy was camped. I preferred my
solitude as opposed to witnessing the bonding mechanism move forward
between C.S. and Tim. Living on the beach had become joyless. If it
weren’t for my job, I would have left this place long ago. In my
agitated state, I couldn’t read books, play my horn, or write. I felt
like a worthless, empty, uncreative slug. The only thing that I was
really sure of was the relentless nausea that ached in my stomach.

When I was around people, especially new people, I would try to be
honest to a fault. If my negative side was recognized and accepted,
liking the rest of me was easy. Sometimes, though, that exaggerated
behavior went so far as to sabotage relationships. That was kind of
where I was at now. I had pushed C.S. so far away that there was no
getting her back. Because of this, I both hated myself and felt pleased
with myself; that is, the comic/tragic face often seen on the movie
screen had now become my face. I agreed with Desmond Morris; love
was a “bonding mechanism,” a biological necessity to insure the perpetuation
of the species, and I resolved a long time ago I would never suffer
the nausea of another broken bond. I had never intended my involvement
with C.S. to go that far.

May 30

I put Carol Sue on a 747 non-stop flight to Chicago yesterday. I took
her to the airport and we parted on good terms. I couldn’t deny
my feelings. I was hooked by love’s magnetism, but something inside
of me wouldn’t let the bonding mechanism complete itself. I couldn’t
explain it; I just knew it was my fault and that fault wouldn’t go away.
The more I loved C.S., the more I rejected that love. By pushing her into
Tim’s arms I almost killed what we had. Before she left, C.S. made it clear
that she still wanted to be with me. We agreed to try again. We will,
but not here, and not now.


About bwinwnbwi

About me: Marvin Gaye’s song, "What’s Going On" was playing on the jukebox when I went up to the counter and bought another cup of coffee. When I got back, the painting on the wall next to where I was sitting jumped out at me, the same way it had done many times before. On it was written a diatribe on creativity. It was the quote at the bottom, though, that brought me back to this seat time after time. The quote had to do with infinity; it went something like this: Think of yourself as being in that place where infinity comes together in a point; where the infinite past and the infinite future meet, where you are at right now. The quote was attributed to Hermann Hesse, but I didn’t remember reading it in any of the books that I had read by him, so I went out and bought Hesse’s last novel, Magister Ludi. I haven’t found the quote yet, but I haven't tired of looking for it either.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Comic/Tragic Face

  1. jgavinallan says:

    heart warming
    your self discovery is inspiring
    love Jaye

  2. jgavinallan says:

    I have a poem you might enjoy. RE: …for the last time…again—please comment
    Love from Jaye

    • bwinwnbwi says:

      For the last time–again is an excellent title for a poem. I’m sure I would enjoy reading it.
      Love has many faces. But, intentionally causing another pain is not one of them. My thanks goes out to all who have commented here. Take care.

  3. Mèo Lười Việt says:

    You know, you are like me. Too sensitive and artistic. People like us are up and down in feelings very fast and easily. Our mood is always in the climax. That’s why we need a steady person to keep us on the ground. To a certain age, love is not just feelings anymore. Somehow it’s canculative, but in terms of characteristic, not materialistic. If you and I came together, love would be like this!

    Passionate, full of turbulance but after that it leaves us 2 dead corpses. I do understand this. I think you have passed this type of love too. I don’t want to enter this kind of love anymore. It sucked the life out of me.

  4. eof737 says:

    At least you were still speaking to each other… I bet you learned the to thyself be true lesson. 😉
    Happy Mother’s Day! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s